Family and Friends

To discover someone you care about has been sexually abused can be a significant shock. Like any shock it can produce a range of emotions and be hard to cope with. The information presented here is designed to help you help the survivor of the sexual abuse as well as cope personally with the disclosure.

For some of you the survivor will be a young person who has recently experienced sexual abuse. For others the survivor will now be an adult who has disclosed abuse that happened when they were a child. This is commonly referred to as historical abuse. The information below tends to be relevant in both cases.

If you would like more information, please contact us.

What is child sexual abuse?


Child sexual abuse is when another person uses a child for sexual gratification. This can be exposure, showing pornography, touching, oral sex, sexual intercourse, or any other sexual act.

Child sexual abuse usually involves the use of threats, coercion, manipulation, bribery or force. Frequently children are emotionally dependent on the adult who abuses them. Some offenders take a considerable length of time to develop the child’s trust before starting the abuse. All offenders take advantage of children’s powerless position in the world.

While it is difficult to gain accurate figures on the prevalence of child sexual abuse in New Zealand (see Research & Statistics), we do know that it effects girls and boys across of all ages and racial groups, whether they are rich or poor, attractive or plain, disabled or without a disability. We also know that around eighty five per cent of offenders are known to the child.

What can you do if someone discloses abuse?

It can be difficult to know how to support someone who has been sexually abused. There is no ‘right way’ to provide support, however you may find the following suggestions helpful.
Listen. Allow the survivor to express their feelings. Do not pressure them into talking. Just let them know you are available to listen if and when they want to talk.
Remain calm. While most people feel a mixture of emotions (e.g. anger, sadness and shock, or a sense of disbelief and failure) it is important to try and stay calm so that the survivor does not have to deal with your emotions as well as their own, and feels safe to talk to you about the abuse.

Believe them and reassure them that you believe them.
Tell them that you are sorry that the abuse happened.